


Beauty and the Bitches

by bloop_magoop



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, polyhats, stole that ship name from differentjasper and i havent looked back since
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 06:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13405041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloop_magoop/pseuds/bloop_magoop
Summary: Beauty and the Beast Villainous AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to my dumb sister who wrote an awesome FMA Beauty and the Beast fanfic when she was 13 and never finished

Once upon a time in a tiny town in Mexico, there lived a super smart nerd named Flug and his super strong insane wife Dem, along with their tamed bear, 505, that they used like a horse because they're a bunch of freaks.

One morning, Dem started singing and thrashing on her guitar.

"Simple town full of simple minded people."

"Dem as much as I enjoy your singing and insulting people," Flug said, hunched over a machine. "I'm very busy with this experiment. Go bother someone in town."

Dem stuck her tongue out at him but did as she was asked. But only cause bothering more people at once was more fun. She jumped out the window of their cottage and raced down the street, bellowing her song.

"There goes the baker with her tray like always!"

The baker screamed when she saw Dem barreling towards her.

"THE SAME OLD BREAD AND ROLLS TO SELL!" Dem swung her guitar at the poor baker, knocking her to the ground.

As Dem harassed the townsfolk, there were two weirdos watching her. Who are these freaks? Why none other than Zug and his faithful sidekick White Hat!

"Hot damn," Zug said, flexing. "Check out the tits on that one!" he pointed to a tree with some birds in it. He shot his gun into the tree and all the birds fell out, dead. He ordered his servant to scoop them up.

"Yes sir Mr. Zug sir!" White Hat scrambled to shove them in a bag. "Are these for Dem?"

"That's right, White Hat. Dem makes music, which means she's an artist. Artists love dead birds more than anything in the world! Everybody knows that!"

"Gee Zug that's amazing!"

Zug broke into song. "Right from the moment when I met her, saw her," he danced around. "I said she's gorgeous and I fell! Here in town there is only she, who's as beautiful as me. So I'm making plans to woo and marry Del....Dem."

"Hey where'd she go?" White Hat asked.

"What?" Zug looked around and saw that Dem was gone. "Hm, guess she's done terrorizing people. Let's go to her house!"

Zug stomped aggressively towards said house, White Hat following.

Dem was indeed home. "Yo Flug! Check out what I got!" she held up a book. "I stole it from the library!"

"Neat, I love books."

"Haha nerd."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Dem went to answer it only to be met with Zug looming in the doorway.

"...Hey," he said casually, looking her up and down. "Got you something."

Dem rolled her eyes. "Hey Zug. I'm not really interested-"

"Oh but you will be!" he shoved his way inside. He walked over to a table and sat down, putting his muddy boots on the table. "Check this out." he tossed Dem the bag of dead birds.

Dem sighed. "Giving me snacks isnt going to get me to go out with you. I told you, I'm not interested."

"But you said you and Flug were polyamorous. That means you'll sleep with anyone." his eyebrows waggled. "So how bout it sweetheart?"

Dem glared. "I said no!" she threw the bag back at him.

"What if i did this," he dumped the dead birds on the floor.

Dem stared. "...."

Zug put the bag over his head. "Eh? Eh? Just like your dorky husband!"

Dem groaned. She picked up Zug with one hand and kicked him out the door.

"THERE THEY ARE!" White Hat shouted. "START THE MUSIC!"

A band played wedding music. Dem slammed the door. Zug got off the ground and punched White Hat. Inside, Dem went back to Flug's office.

"Who was that?" he asked

"Just Zug again. What a poser."

"Ugh I hate that guy."

"Forget him. Infodump to me about that whatchamacallit you're bringing to the science fair tomorrow."

"Oh! Its really quite incredible!" Flug babbled on and on about the machine as he turned it on. An laser beam shot out of it at a crash dummy set up in front, turning it to ash.

"Its horrible!" Dem beamed.

"Aw shucks. Thanks sweetie." Flug blushed. "Well if I'm gonna get this thing to the next town over for the fair I better get going."

Dem helped him load up the machine into a wagon pulled by their bear.

"Have fun at the loser convention!" Dem smooched Flug and hugged 505. They headed down the road, Dem waving goodbye.

"Baw..." 505 bawd.

"Yeah, I miss her already too." Flug said. "But we'll be home soon enough...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me try super hard to finish this and then never do it


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know those authors that finish a chapter early but wait to post it for all sorts of lame reasons? i tried and failed to be like them

Flug and 505 traveled the whole day. As night fell the road took them into a dense forest.

"Aroo...." 505 whimpered.

"Its okay boy, the dark won't hurt us."

They stopped at a signpost. One arrow pointed to a dark, dreary, path that looked right out of a nightmare. The other pointed to a beautiful, peaceful path. 505 looked at them both, the headed towards the nice one. Flug pulled the reins, stopping him.

"Fives no, we can get to the science fair faster if we take this other path."

505 reluctantly took it. It was so spooky! In the eerie silence a twig snapped, startling 505.

"BAW!" he ran in the opposite direction, straight into the woods. "BAW BAAAW!!!"

"Fives no! Its not a chupacabra! Go back or we'll be lost!"

But the poor bear was too scared to hear his friend. Unfortunately a pack of wolves did hear and jumped outta nowhere.

"HOLY SHIT!" Flug yelled. The wolves chased them all around and up and down and all over the forest.

"There! I see a castle! Go there!" Flug pointed and 505 ran through the castle's gate, quickly whipping around to shut it behind him. The momentum swung the wagon on its side, knocking Flug down.

"Baroo!" 505 rushed to his side, helping him up. "Broo?"

"Ow fuck, I'm okay, I'm okay. Ugh we need to rest for the night. Let's get to the castle."

They went to the front door. 505 knocked on it, but there was no answer. He tried again, but still nothing.

"We'll just go inside, the place looks abandoned." Flug said and they headed in. The place was dark and dusty.

"Creepy..."

"Aroo?" 505 called.

The place looked abandoned, but it was not. There were two beings watching from the shadows.

"Who the fuck are they?" A tiny robot beeped.

"The fat bear looks tasty," A snake hissed. "I'm gonna eat it." the snake slithered towards 505. When the bear saw her he shrieked. The snake reared up, towering over the poor bear, and before Flug could pull 505 out of the way, the snake struck.

"AROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" 505 wailed and flailed. The snake's jaw held on tight, but the bear wasn't hurt, just scared.

"Qué?" The snake let go and glared at 505. "Why can't I hurt you?"

"Wow!" The little robot beeped, revealing itself. "He must be immortal!"

"Wow!" Flug picked up the robot. "Check this shit out!" he poked and prodded the robot, making it giggle as if ticklish. "What's your name?"

"Why I'm the loveable Hatbot!" It whirred excitedly. "And my friend here is Lil Jack!"

"I'm not your friend," The snake said, rolling her eyes.

"Well its nice to meet you Hatbot," Flug smiled and put it down, then glared at Lil Jack. "But not you."

Jack stuck her tongue out. "Master will eat you even if I couldn't."

"Roo?" 505 asked nervously. He already didn't like Lil Jack's master.

"Oh yes," she continued. "Master can do damn near anything."

Just then a hideous monster approached. He was tall and tentacled, with sharp claws, drooling green fangs, one angry red eye and a monocle with a skull in it. He had dark grey slimy skin and a fancy black suit with a top hat on his head. He was very extra. So edgy.

"WHO DARE ENTER MY DOMAIN?!" he bellowed. 505 squealed in fright and dove behind Flug, who wished he had someone to hide behind too.

"Master!" Lil jack cheered, slithering to him and climbing up him to wrap around his shoulders.

"Sir Black Hat!" Hatbot shivered, slowly backing away. "I-I- um they just came in! We didnt let them!"

"SILENCE!"

"Yes sir, sorry sir!"

"Why are you here?" Black Hat snarled at Flug. "Better have a damn good excuse for trespassing."

Flug was shaking like a leaf, utterly terrified of this horrific beast. "W-we got- got lo-lost in the, the woods a-and chased by w-w-wolves! We came here t-to um hide..."

Black Hat growled. Damn wolves hunting in his territory again. He told them to piss off!

"How unfortunate for you. But," Black Hat grinned evilly. "I'm glad you're here."

"...You are?" Flug didn't trust that smile. 505 peeked out cautiously.

"Oh yes," Black Hat said. "I don't need to find dinner when it breaks into my house."

Flug paled under his bag. "oh no..." he squeaked.

Lil Jack flicked her tongue. "I tried to eat the fat one already but I couldn't kill him."

"Hm?" Black Hat looked around Flug at the cowering bear. "Is that so?" Several tentacles shot out, grabbing 505 and bringing him close to Black Hat's teeth. 505 struggled and screamed but the tentacles held him still as Black Hat chomped into his soft bear body. Black Hat bit harder and harder, clawing 505 as well, but the damage didn't hurt him.

"RRRRAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Black Hat raged. "WELL IF I CAN'T KILL YOU THEN I'M KEEPING YOU PRISONER!!!! THAT'LL TEACH YOU!!!!" Black Hat stomped off with 505, totally forgetting the other intruder.

"Oh geez, I'm so sorry about all this, Black Hat is pretty grumpy..." Hatbot sighed.

"I gotta get help!" Flug said, running to the door. "I can't take that thing on my own, I need Dem!" Hatbot watched him run out the door and to the knocked over wagon. Flug took pieces from his laser beam machine to make a laser gun.

"This will keep me safe from those wolves." he headed out the gate and followed the wagon tracks back to the path home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah that's right. lil jack is a lady. I read a fic once where it was short for little jacqueline and now i always see her as the beautiful woman she is
> 
> hey if anyone knows the fic im talking about, tell me cause i forget lol


End file.
